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If You Don't Care, Don't Ask
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t bothers me when the first thing new people you meet ask you (after your name), is, "What do you do?" I just don't think that that is really relevant in the grand scheme of things. Half the time, those querying aren't even interested in your job, they are only asking out of habit. Banalities such as what do you do are quickly followed by another ie-"hot/cold enough for ya?"
eh heh. Excuse me while I scratch my beer gut.
t's all too easy to define someone you don't know all that well solely by their job. 'This is what they do, so this is what they are.'
hen people ask me what I do, I say, "Whatever I want." I try to shake it up a bit. Who cares what you do? Who are you? What do you believe in? Try this; the next time you meet someone new, after the introduction ask a weird question instead of the tired old what-do-you-do.
ne of my favourites is, "Do you think that NASA faked the Lunar landing?"
ou'd be surprized how fast someone will open up to you if you ask them an original question. And we all know that catching someone off guard increases your chances of getting them to sleep with you.
nce you get past the surface bullshit, you can quickly see the real person. You will either click or not, but at least you aren't playing hide and seek with the individual behind the mask. Metaphorical whack-a-mole through small talk, and idle chit chat.
e don't get to know people anymore. We get to know the front they put up to protect themselves from the world. That snobby, judgmental bitch might just be painfully shy.
f we can cut through the small talk, we can skip ahead to the important questions and answers.
hat do you do? WHO CARES!!! It's not that people's jobs aren't important, I just believe that there are other things that make us who we are. Other things that can't be labelled, or put neatly into a mental box.
here are few things that annoy me more than an insincere person. How boring do you feel when someone asks you what you do, and the moment you start telling them, their eyes glaze over? If there's a point in here somewhere it's this; be original.
h, and if you are going to ask someone a question, please - really want to know the answer.
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Public Responsibility
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hile I'm not normally one to follow trends, sometimes you can use the actions of those around you as a measure of those things which may be important or at the very least contribute towards one's personal accountability. With this in mind, I feel that it is salient of me to do as so many other have done and continue to do, and announce here, publicly and officially that I will not be seeking the leadership of the Liberal party of Canada.
did consider candidacy, as it seems that all responsible citizens have done of late, and came to the conclusion that a number of factors indicate that my skills would best serve in some other capacity. Of major significance to my decision is my total absence of political experience, save for the time I narrowly lost the race for student council president in junior high school (note to those with similar aspirations: adolescents regard the prospect of more school dances in higher esteem than the acquisition of a vending machine).
t also occurs to me that I may lack the necessary prerequisites inasmuch as I am not, in fact, even a member of the federal Liberals - though it has been suggested to me that given the party's current state, this may not be a deal breaker.
wish the best of luck to those who are seeking the position as opposition leader, and congratulate Prime Minister Harper on not only effectively crippling what was once this nations most powerful political party, but also for gaining control of the house by aligning our (for now) progressive country with the Bush administration. I wait with bated breath to see how you can spin media censorship into looking like governmental accountability.
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I Have Something You Can Smoke
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oooookay. Well, it's finally happened. I've decided to take up smoking. Not cigars, or that trendy hookah bullshit, or the less legal / more hunger inducing smokables either. Nope, I'm going balls deep for an incurable habit of leather face making, raspy voice causing, short life span resulting cigarettes. And I can't wait to blow my cancer right in the face of every person that comes within a hundred yards of me. Why consciously make such a life altering decision? Because I can't fucking handle all the anti-smoking propaganda being tossed around these days. Sure, I understand that in closed spaces like airplanes and buses it's not very pleasant to have a smoker around and sitting next to them will leave you smelling like bagged ass, but don't you think this whole thing has gone out of control?
ast night, as I lay in bed listening to the radio and stroking my penis ever so sweetly, a commercial came on. In the commercial, a group of children were playing spin the bottle. When the bottle pointed to a girl named Sara, the boy refuses to kiss her because Sara's chewing on a dead rat and crunching on cockroaches. He argues that kissing her would be disgusting, of course. The commercial goes for the full gross-out effect with viscous squishing noises and sickening crunches as Sara eats. The purpose of this commercial? A claim that kissing a smoker is even more disgusting than kissing Sara. Now, give me a fucking break. I can just imagine the group of self-righteous fuckholes who sat around in their Birkenstocks eating hummus and coming up with this shit. The propaganda on TV is even worse. Celebrities doing "the more you know" bits about the dangers of smoking is one thing, but these thetruth.com assholes and their "rebellious" campaigns against the tobacco industry, trying to look trendy and politically motivated make me want to vomit 'till I se bile. I'm sure you readers have seen the commercials where they create these elaborate, staged scenes that are so stolen from every Rage Against the Machine video that I'm surprised they haven't been sued.
ho the fuck are these assholes to tell me what to put in my body? Are they Doctors? Pharmacists? Mr. Rogers? Or useless tits who have absolutely no life purpose or marketable skills, so they jump on whatever fashionable cause they can in order to validate their pointless existence? Recently a group of them came to my college campus to spread their word. You know, kinda like how Nazi youths did back in the 30's. So, I took one of the t-shirts they were handing out with the word TRUTH written on them, put it on, walked into the nearest gas station, bought a pack of king sized filterless death sticks and walked back to their little rally point to enjoy a book and some smokes on a nearby bench. And none of them said a word. Fucking pussies. They say smoking takes your breath away. Well, with every breath these assholes take I feel they're robbing the decent people of this planet of oxygen. Please just go back to sitting in your mom's basement and crying yourself to sleep and leave me the fuck alone.
s of a few months ago, it is illegal in the state of Washington to smoke within 25 feet of any public building. That means smokers can't sit on a patio at a restaurant or bar and smoke. They can't sit in designated smoking rooms and smoke. In fact, it means that they can't stand on the fucking sidewalk and smoke. No, in Washington now, you have to stand in the middle of traffic if you want to have a cigarette. This may sound familiar to some of you as the way lepers were treated back in the day. The difference is, smoking isn't contagious and being exposed to it in the short term won't make your body parts fall the fuck off. Hell, body odor more offensive in public places than cigarette smoke, but I doubt they'll ever pass legislation forcing all the hobos, cab drivers and hippies to walk in the gutters. For shame.
hat really gets my semen in a lather is while all this anti-smoking shit is going on with much public praise, many of these same people are crying out for clean needle exchange sites and the legalization of marijuana. So, while they'll spit in someone's face for smoking a cigarette, they open their arms wide to people who have chosen far worse substances to use. I say we set up dirty needle exchanges instead. That's the real solution to the drug problem. Put some cyanide in there and just put the junkies out of their misery. The healthier we keep them, the larger the market remains for the dealers. If we get rid of the market, the drugs will leave naturally. But I digress. It's the legalization of pot that I just don't get. It's worse for you than cigarettes and those who use it are incapacitated by it. Where's the logic in supporting the use of something that has the negative side effects of both cigarettes and alcohol. With all the campaigning against drunk driving, now we'll have people driving high instead. At least cigarette smokers can still function properly day-to-day. I've heard supporters argue that selling weed legally and taxing it would be a huge source of revenue for the economy. Why would anyone buy pot if it's legal when they can just as easily grow it themselves at home?
hat it boils down to is a personal choice, and I don't like the idea of anyone else telling me what to do with myself. So what if people don't like the smell of smoke? I don't like many of the smells I'm exposed to every day, but instead of whining like and little bitch, I suck it up and move on to the more important parts of my day. On a final note in support of cigarette smoking, just consider them death insurance. Spending the money now on cigarettes will ensure that you're dead early enough to not have to spend that money on an old folks home, your final days spent shitting in a diaper, eating meals through a tube and forgetting who your children are.
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Nostalgia Aint What It Used To Be
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f I hear one more senior citizen mourn the death of the "good old days," I'm going to rip out their miracle ear and shove it where the sun doesn't shine, just so they can hear me kick their diapered ass. You'll often hear them say; "Things aren't what they used to be." Well neither is nostalgia! It's called progress you geriatric old fart.
'm really sorry about your Alzheimer's, but have you really forgotten what the 'good old days' were like? An era called the great depression can't have been too warm and happy. Not one, but two wars to end all wars, women's and minority rights were non existent, and it was actually illegal to be gay.
can't be the only one whose grand parents never ceased dropping nuggets of wisdom, and useless stories of how hard they had it growing up. How many of you remember this little gem; "When I was a kid we had to walk twenty miles in minus eighty degree weather to get to our one room schoolhouse, in two feet of snow, uphill both ways, and we were so poor we couldn't afford legs so we had to roll to school."
ow. Doesn't that sound great? You call that the good old days? What the fuck is so good about that, other than having a cute little story to tell the grand kids, to show them how tough you used to be?
hose running (sorry, shuffling), around bitching about today's kids/technology/economy etc. are all seemingly against technology, but I don't see any of them refusing that new hip, or turning down that cataract surgery. As far as I can see there was nothing good about the good old days.
"But there was less crime," says senile Sid. Alliteration aside, it only seemed like there were less crimes committed because the law enforcement agencies were so inept in comparison to today. They had no clue about preserving the crime scene, and no one even knew what the fuck D.N.A was. There were no twenty four hour news stations broadcasting every incident, (newsworthy or not), every hour on the hour, forcing the police to get on with the investigation.
ike all generalizations, I know that not every senior lives in the make believe happy fun times of sixty years ago, where everything was butterflies, and daffodils. There are some amazing people we can learn a lot from. Maybe I'm bitter at seniors as I've been involved in two accidents with them. In one, a ninety three year old hit my parked car and drove away. Luckily I had the presence of mind to write down her licence plate number even though I was doped up from having two teeth pulled. The second incident involved an old fart running a red light, and hitting me with their car, and once again driving off.
t isn't the nice old sweet women, and delightfully dirty old men that piss me off. No, it's the useless, vacant, hypocritical fuckers, drooling into their cornflakes, hotboxed in their forty degree celcius living rooms, blasting the price is right at eighty decibels while complaining about their electricity costs that piss me off.
ake notice and heed this oath. If in fifty years I hear you pissing and moaning about how when you were young, you had ipods with only two GB of memory, and you had to wait seven whole seconds to microwave your bacon... So help me god, I'm coming for you. I mean it, my uncle has a pig farm in Saskatchewon, and there's always room for one more.
